Brandon Chuang Avatar

Behold, the Al-Qaeda of Food Prep

Corn on the cob is one of nature’s perfect foods. It comes husked, which protects it while it cooks, and then that protection turns into a handle when you’re ready to eat. The town where I went to boarding school has an entire festival dedicated to it. You literally get to eat all the corn you want for free, and they have troughs full of melted butter with paint brushes for applicators. If there is such a thing as a man’s vegetable, it is corn. 

I also have a friend named Josh, who is a typical man’s man. Granted, my definition of a man’s man means “owning power tools,” but Josh actually uses his—like, to build and fix stuff. Which is why it infuriates me to no end whenever we have corn on the cob for dinner, because the princess actually takes a steak knife and cuts off the kernels so that he can eat it with a utensil

Now, I completely understand doing this for a baby. Babies can’t defend themselves from things like gravity, ergo, you de-cob their corn. You do not, however, de-cob corn for personal consumption if you’re a grown ass man. 

The reason for this mini-rant is the Corn Kerneler (above), which does exactly what the name suggests. Now, I can’t stop people from purchasing this product, and I’m sure there are at least several Joshes out there in the world that can’t wait to get kernelering. But what I can do is write about how stupid you’d look if you broke one of these things out at your next barbecue. Especially if it’s a Fourth of July barbecue. Because corn on the cob is the most American thing ever. And if you de-cob corn, you’re de-cobbing America. USA! USA! USA!