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Meatball tongs are the reason why my future son will throw like a girl.

Above, is a set of meatball tongs from Williams-Sonoma. They do exactly what the picture and title suggest—they make meatballs. 

I’m not a CIA graduate or anything, but I’d like to think I know my way around a kitchen. And from what I know, to make meatballs you simply roll meat into a ball. Like, with your hands. Not to get all Bill O’Reilly on everyone, but meatball tongs are going to lead to the downfall of America.

Meatballs are a cultural icon—when I think of meatballs, I think of a meatball shaped grandmother in a kitchen overlooking lemon trees in a rolling Italian countryside. She’s mindlessly patting out delicious meatballs from muscle memory, all while humming “O Sole Mio.” In no one’s mind is that grandmother using food grade stainless steel meatball tongs.

What drives me crazy is the fact that they’ve made a machine that not only duplicates a simple action, but takes the very soul out of what you’re making. A meatball is a very simple thing. But ask any Italian G-ma, and they’ll tell you—handle it too long, and the meatball will be tough, too little, and it’ll fall apart. A properly made meatball is an art. I like when I see handmade meatballs. They’re all a little different, but that’s a good thing. Symmetry isn’t always perfect—would you want to eat a plate of eggs and bacon if the two eggs looked like the round things from McDonald’s? No, you wouldn’t, because that would be fucked up. Same goes for meatballs; I don’t want to feel like I’m eating a can of Chef Boyardee.

The simple fact that meatball tongs even exist is a bad sign (don’t get me started on the fact that they’re made in Italy). It’s saying that we no longer care. About anything. We just want something quick and efficient—and considering how quickly and efficiently a person can bang out some meatballs, we should be extra concerned. What’s next?

Meatball tongs are for lazy, fat people that love meatballs so much they literally cannot wait for them to be done in a normal amount of time (What are you looking at?!), or people that can’t cook, and have too much expendable income. Basically, the exact people that lead me not to be surprised that the US ain’t so smart anymore.

After meatball tongs, it’s going to be steak machines, followed by softer NERF guns. All the way until one day the same people that buy meatball tongs decide that baseball is too violent for humans, and my kid asks me to teach him how to catch and I go outside with my mitt only to find him hunched over a “ballbot” with a soldering gun asking me what a servo motor is. Robots are meant for boxing with Hugh Jackman, not teaching my kid the art of being a man.

My kid’s already going to get enough gruff for being too good looking and stylized at such a young age, adding the fact that he can’t throw a ball is not going to help. And to put things into a global perspective, do you really want a country full of kids that can’t read, do math, or throw a baseball? At least until now America has been the dumb jocks of the world—make fun of us all you want, just not to our face ‘cause we’ll beat the shit out of you. But with the creation of this terrible, terrible device, America is doomed. Well played Italy, country of origin for the meatball tongs—I’ll be watching you.

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